last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
