Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
And then he peed in my hair
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