Already got asked if we're dating
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
