I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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