I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
