Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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