No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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