I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
