Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
