And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
