I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
