Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
