we're chasing vodka with high fives
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
