can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
