Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
