i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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