I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
