we're blogging at a bar
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
