no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
no you cant smoke seaweed
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
