Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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