I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
