just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
