It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
