I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Randomize
