I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
