just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
