my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
