I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
