May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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