guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
