I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
