There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
