K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
