It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
