My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
