o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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