I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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