so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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