but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
