Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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