im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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