you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You are the jesus of drinking
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
