i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
