you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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