I faked an abortion last night.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
