And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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