I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
