I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
