I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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