I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
