she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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