so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
