dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
