Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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